16/52 : BAD HABIT

I have many bad habits. Like planning to create good habits, then not following through. Or needing to go to the shop and coming home without the very thing I went there for. Sometimes I vague out of conversations because my brain gets distracted by an interesting you’ve said that reminds me of something completely irrelevant. I also sniff a lot.

But this habit is my biggest one—the hardest to break, no matter how many times I’ve tried. When I wake, I stay in bed. I hit that snooze button as many times as I can, pushing the limits of time.

My love of sleep... comfort… daydreams are greater than the need to get out of the damn bed. And if I’m honest, I’m not that mad about it.

*I feel like at this time, I need to add that the photos I take are representations of the thoughts I write. It’s not necessarily true to life. I have makeup on here and look sort of well rested… this is NOT my morning face. I took this photo sitting up with the pillow against the wall, so I could get two hands in and make it look like I was lying down. This is why I started the selfie project with an Instagram vs Reality theme… because most of these photos aren’t reality. They’re expressions. Please know the difference and don’t judge yourself based on the creative interpretations I do of myself. It’s just art.

14/52 : HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

I feel a little bit invisible in this wide world. Sometimes I feel like I send everything I create hurtling into a void. I’m about to make a big move and I’m terrified of failing. Even just thinking about it makes me feel even more insignificant. It’s almost like I’ve conditioned myself to play small and remain inside myself.

I’m okay though, my excitement pushes me through. Well, actually, it’s not so much excitement but this incessant urge to continue on no matter how few sales I make or how few followers I have or how few “likes” my posts get. Sometimes I wonder if it’s just my ego that wants recognition for all the hard work I’ve put in, but then I remember that spark to create something so wonderfully intricate and meaningful and I’m sure that what I offer is needed in this world.

It feels so contrary, to talk like that. Taboo, really. Like, just listen to that chick, saying her work is important.

Anyway, that’s how I’m feeling. Needed yet invisible.

13/52 : JUST BE YOU

Just be yourself?

Ok cool. But it’s a lot. Are you sure?

Fine. Here’s me.

11/52 : DANCE

Dance like no one’s watching, hey?

One teenage dream of mine was to be a professional backup dancer. After a year at a Performing Arts school in Melbourne, I realised the reality of it wasn’t actually what I was after. The joy was in the movement, in the release, and I could do it anywhere at anytime.

There’s such an energy in moving your body in time with the beats and rhythms of music. And there’s a vulnerability too — a chance to let yourself go. It feels like freedom and a little bit like coming home to yourself.

The best thing is that it’s available to us at any moment of the day. A chance to feel that freedom and energy and release always right there at our fingertips… or should I say, toetips?

8/52 : Happiest When...

There’s a moment right after I’ve finished creating something where I am in complete alignment with myself. I feel full, like I’m embodying my whole, true self. It’s peace and electricity at the same time.

It starts with an idea, a tiny spark inside my head, and grows as I go through the stages; from the time it takes considering it’s meaning to bringing it to actual life. And after I have created something — a chapter for my novel, a photo with accompanying descriptive words, a post with a meaningful life lesson, something to hang on the walls — I feel as though, right in that very moment, I am living my purpose.

I am a wordsmith, an artist. I take the spark, and like a magician, I spin it into existence.

The joy it brings is hard to explain. Maybe it’s best if I tell you what it does to me, how it comes out in my movements. A bubble of joy fizzes inside me and reaches out through my entire being. I dance. I shuffle or skip or slide down the hallway. I babble and joke and pull silly facial expressions. I let my voice experiment in tone and volume and speed. I am living through myself to the fullest degree.

To a lesser scale, I find this joy in other things, too. Anything that starts off as an idea and results in something tangible and visual. Planning, designing, organising, rearranging, editing.

In essence, bringing things to life, brings me to life.

7/52 : HOW ARE YOU?

I’m coming out of a weird phase. I’ve been feeling a little dormant, with a smidge of despondency, and a dash of hopefulness. It’s kinda like sludging through a mud pit while the sky remains blue and birds are chirping happily in the distance.

In the past when I felt this way, I’d fight against it the whole time. Analysing and contemplating and pushing myself to be better and to just snap out of it. But this time, I’ve felt a sense of “okayness”. Because, I knew it would pass, as phases do.

It’s okay to not be high-vibe all the time. We aren’t meant to be one-dimensional and constantly “light”. We are meant to be multi-faceted, with depth and shadows. My favourite realisation during this phase is that I AM ENOUGH. In all the ways. In slumbers and slumps, in wins and gleeful flow, I AM ENOUGH. As I am.

Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t ignored my feelings. I know that they are signals acting on our subconscious behalf to tell us what needs attention. But not everything needs to be a lesson. Sometimes all it is, is the body calling for rest and rejuvenation, for boundaries and self-care, for time and a safe space.

During this time, I’ve been doing things to protect my energy as I renew myself, because soon, it will be time for more. I’m coming out of the ebb and about to get into the flow. I know this, because that’s how phases work.

6/52 : REFRAME

When I was seventeen a family member told my mum that I was “a bit behind-the-eight-ball”. They said it to her while I sitting beside them, as though I wasn’t in the room. I didn’t know what that phrase meant, but it made me feel so small and insignificant, as though there was something wrong with me. It didn’t matter if that was true or not, what hurt more was this person thinking there was something wrong with me. Later, I asked her what they meant by it and she said it was because I hadn’t gotten my learners license or a job yet. At seventeen. While I was still at school.

I’m getting defensive just thinking about it.

Because even back then I knew that I hated societal norms and the thought that people “should” be doing certain things at particular stages of their life. And yet, even though I knew it didn’t matter if you got your L’s right when you turned 16 or waited a while or didn’t bother at all, the phrase still stuck with me.

It sprung back up when I was 21 and considered going to University for a Bachelor of Arts, but decided against it because I was “too old” and it was “too late”. It’s laughable now. Because most people begin Uni at 18 but there are still many people who get their degrees at any age.

I think there’s too much pressure on us to be a “valued member of society”, and somewhere along we way, we forget what it is we actually want for life. Quick, choose your profession. Quick, buy that house. Quick, get married. Be everything you’re supposed to. Be like the others. Fit in or be shunned.

“You’re off with the fairies.”
”How can you be so switched-on but also so aloof and forgetful?”
”Be realistic.”

I had a quarter-life crisis at 25 years old. Mid-twenties and I still hadn’t achieved my “purpose”, whatever that means. No bright lights. No big career accomplishment. No career at all.

The truth is, there is no set time-frame for anything to do with personal achievements. I’ve learned that I do things in my own time in my own way. That’s what my old therapist called being an “independent thinker”. I really liked that. It’s much nicer than that 8-ball comment.

It says : do things your way. It says : don’t let anyone tell you what you should be doing. It says : Be you, and if you’re you then you’re exactly where you need to be.

And so my reframe is this…

“You’re a bit behind the eight-ball”
“I do things in my own time, in my own way”

5/52 : FAVOURITE COLOUR

My current favourite colour is yellow. You know that deep yet bright mustard? For me, yellow represents joy and warmth together. It’s the colour of the boldest and happiest flower, and the colour of the devoted and wise sun.

It’s playful. It makes a statement. It’s comfort. It’s declarative. It’s magnetic. It’s welcoming.
It says: I am friendly, I am here, I am the beacon.

I’ve heard that if you list the meaningful reasons why you like your favourite colour, you’re actually listing what you like about yourself…

4/52 : SOMETHING ACHIEVED

Almost four years ago, I published my first novel. At the time I didn’t think much of it. Sure I was proud, but it didn’t feel like I thought it would. After spending the previous four years rewriting and picking it apart, I was ready to be done with it and move on to the next idea. Since then, I’ve written seven novels, three short stories, and am currently writing my eighth.

Achieving goals is a funny thing. I’ve noticed that when I reach the finish line, after tirelessly climbing and scratching to finish the book, I end up moving it ahead of me. Another goal. Another journey. More countless hours of writing. There’s no feeling of victory, just pushing forward toward that goal post.

When I take a moment to stop and look back, I see all those checkpoints reached and passed, I realise just how far I’ve come.

It’s then I also realise that this is what life is. A never-ending journey. We never actually reach the goal post—because once we get close, we move it again. And that’s a wonderful thing, as forward momentum always is.

So, if the goal posts are always moving and we are always thinking ahead of ourselves for what next is on the agenda, then celebrating accomplishments along the way is imperative. To live a truly fulfilling life, finding the joy along the track is instrumental in our pursuit of that elusive end goal.

And so I take a pause to weigh up the progress I’ve made. In four years I’ve published seven books. Seven. That’s an achievement worth celebrating, and something to be proud of. Here’s to the next seven… with tons of moments of happy dances and wine toasts and laughter and accomplishment joy along the way.

3/52: SMILE

The prompt for this week was simply “smile”. To think about something that makes you happy and capture that moment.

It could be: Your sweet puppy dog. The way the light shines through leaves right before it sets. Your child’s giggles echoing through the house. The way someone has said I love you. The scrumptious dinner you’ve had recently. Friends who get you. Breath. Sunshine. Life.

Whatever it is that makes you happy, we had to capture ourselves in the bliss of it.

This is me, thrilled with a haircut. Outwardly, that may seem superficial, but it’s more than that, it’s what the haircut represents. It makes me feel fresh and new and reflects the change I’ve felt within myself recently.

A big change. A hello-here-I-am change. A change that’s subtle to the observer, but on the inside I feel cracked wide open, as thought I’ve finally fallen into myself. The me I’ve always meant to be.

She’s always been close - this version of me - and yet often just out of reach. Like I’m barely a few steps behind. Close enough to feel and know and imagine, but never exactly fully a part of me.

But now, she’s here, integrated and ready. And so, to showcase what I feel on the inside, here’s a big change on the outside.

2/52: WORD OF THE YEAR

𝙽̶𝙴̶𝚆̶ 𝚈̶𝙴̶𝙰̶𝚁̶, 𝙽̶𝙴̶𝚆̶ 𝙼̶𝙴̶

NEW YEAR, SAME ME

The only resolution I’m doing is to live more in my truth. To accept everything I am, right now.

Because, ironically, that is the only way to grow.

Wanting to be better or to be something different than what you are, only holds you back. You can only BE the best version of yourself, if you LIVE as yourself, fully and unapologetic.

And so, 2021 is the year for TRUTH.

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Let’s start with it then. Here’s the honest-to-God truth… This photo isn’t the one I had envisioned.

I had an idea, a concept, it was supposed to spark something whimsical inside the viewer, it was supposed to showcase the light I have within, my truth within. But none of them felt real.

This one was taken when I had given up all hope on a conceptual image — I stripped everything back. This is me, pure and simple. A little frustrated. But honest. Take me as I am, or leave.

My year of truth is this: I am myself, fully and completely. I won’t change to suit anyone. I speak my heart. I voice what I need to.

Here. I. Am. In truth.

1/52: INSTAGRAM VS REALITY

Instagram models. Is that all I need to say for you to know what I’m talking about. You know the ones. They pretend their image is candid like they’re unaware that a photo is being taken as if it’s real life, but of course it has been perfectly posed. Then you get amazing people like Celeste Barber, who brings reality to the image by re-creating it with how it really looks for most people.

I love how she and other people do these. It shows true humanity. It helps us see ourselves in other people and not be blinded by some unattainable and unrealistic being. Real life. It also brings us down to earth and know that we are fine just the way we are. Perfectly imperfect.

Here’s my version of Instagram vs Reality. New Years intention setting. I’ve got my pen and notebook, I’ve got my cup of tea, and I’ve got a view out the window. It’s time to contemplate and journal.

The first photo is posed. I’m all too aware of my leg placement and turning my face to the camera and sitting up straight.

The second photo is how it really looks. Complete with hunched back, zoned out expression, and bared cellulite.

It’s easy to take pretend photos. It’s also just as easy to take real ones. What’s hard is knowing the difference. Especially when we compare ourselves with other people’s pretend versions.